© 2014 jen

I HATE EVERYTHING – Part 2.5 of My Sugar Detox Series

This post is part of a series of posts. Here’s the first and here’s the second.

I have a bad attitude at the moment. A terrible one, actually.

I feel mad. Mad at everything.
I feel mad that there is sugar in every damned thing and I can’t eat it.
I feel mad that I thought this would be a lot easier than it is.
I feel mad that I’m going to have to find a middle ground when I finish this sugar detox.
I feel mad that I’m going to have to pick between foods that I love to eat and weigh their health risks against their earthly pleasures.
I feel mad that I’m going to give some foods up, probably forever.
I feel mad that the foods I can eat now, although many of them taste good (with a caveat that I’ll get into in a moment), don’t exist anywhere except in healthy cookbooks and houses like mine.

The few restaurants that offer healthy fare have almost no seasoning.

I hate healthy food restaurants, the food tastes like garbage to me. Seriously, when did healthy come to mean that you can’t add flavors and spices to foods?

I really think this is a flaw of the healthy food world. Add some flavor to things, for Pete’s sake! I can make flavorful, rich, amazing things at home, but I cannot find restaurants that offer both healthy ingredients and full flavor. I have friends who have tried foods I’m making and they are so surprised that food can be so good for you and so delicious! Healthy, flavorful foods could be the “gateway drug” to the health world for so many people, but I’m convinced this combo only exists in a few cookbooks and on a few tables in homes here and there.

I’m mad about all of it.

One of the problems I’m finding is that I’m not a big enough fan of meat to eat as much of it as I am. I’ve been eating so much because my body can digest it well. Even some veggies my body doesn’t breakdown all that well, but meat, I can digest like a champ. It’s just that I don’t like most of it.

I’ll just spit out what’s been on my mind. I’m becoming disgusted by meat.

It has nothing to do with the way it’s digested. It’s a personal taste thing. It doesn’t feel like what I need. I don’t feel that fueled by it. I only want a little meat sometimes and it needs to be flavored so it no longer tastes like meat or feels like meat in my mouth.

I’ve always been this way, but the feeling is growing in me by the day. My husband and son eat circles around me when it comes to meat. I don’t like the way meat feels in my mouth most of the time. The consistency feels wrong to me, unless it’s buried in other things. I don’t like the feeling of it going down my throat. I don’t like the smell or the look of it. If it isn’t HUGELY seasoned I’d rather skip the meat altogether. 

If you give me a naked hamburger I’d rather go hungry. Burgers smell like death to me. Hunger is more pleasant to me than the taste of most meats. When my family and I eat meaty dishes I find myself eating less and less food and I never want the leftovers.

Moving forward with this detox, I’m going to try to find ways to modify some of my recipes to make them more palatable to my squeamish meat-eating ways.

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On the mental health front: ugh. Just ugh. I hate everything.

I feel unbelievably insecure at the moment. Confidence is such a gift that I rarely even consider. It makes me realize just how I take my confidence for granted in my regular life when I’m not detoxing. I rarely feel the way I’m feeling right now. I find myself wondering if I’m good enough, smart enough, lovable enough with regard to everything.

This blog post: is is good enough? Is the language I’m using too simple? Should I try to sound smarter? Am I smart enough? What would smarter language sound like? Do people even care? Is writing this a waste of my time?

Or the most commonly played “on hold” mental-phone music when we feel insecure, “What will they think of me?” Played in a constant loop.

I hate that song and I can’t dance to it.

I feel small and unimportant.

This is the opposite of how I normally feel. I sometimes feel like my energy is reaching into the sky and scraping the clouds. I feel like when I walk in a room I will stand out. I’m 5’8″, but people comment all the time that they think I seem taller than that. I almost always have my shoulders back and rarely slouch. I’m a strong, capable, confident person, normally.

Right now, I’m a fretter, worrier, second guesser, which is annoying and time consuming.

I’m actually annoyed by my insecurity, which also pisses me off. Do you see a pattern here?

On the physical front: on Monday I stepped on the scale to see what my stats were and guess what? I weigh 210 lbs. I lost 9 lbs in 1 week. The pounds are flying off of me. I think this is adding to my mental state. I don’t feel hungry at all, but I’m pissed off, grossed out by meat and insecure and then mad about that insecurity. I’m ready for this phase to end.

Over it.

What’s the solution?

Quit the detox?

Admit defeat?

Then I remember my grandmother.

She is such a guiding force in my life, years after she has passed away. I feel her with me all the time.

I remember when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember her quitting smoking post diagnosis. She said that although she knew in her mind that it was possible for her to get cancer, she never thought it would happen to her, until it did.

She said once she had the cancer she couldn’t put her head on the pillow at night knowing what she had done to herself. She quit cold turkey and she said it wasn’t that hard when she knew that it could give her even a few more days on earth. She said smoking wasn’t worth cancer and she wished she had known all of this when she was younger, when she could have made changes.

This makes me think of the Maya Angelou quote:

“When you know better you do better.”

Well, I know better and I’m still relatively young.

I know that with all the digestive problems that I’ve worked so hard at overcoming, I don’t have the same room for being lax with my diet or with my health. Cancer rates are up – way up. More than one million people get cancer in the U.S. every year. Poor diet and lack of exercise contribute to between 14-20% of these cases. If I’m not serious about taking care of myself -watching what I eat, exercising – that could be me. I know that people with celiac disease or any autoimmune disease have a higher risk of cancer than the general population and it’s not just cancer. There are many other diseases that I’m more susceptible to than the average person. I know at the age of 40 I was practically falling apart physically and that was breaking me down in every area of my life.

Then I changed my behavior, I changed my diet to some degree, I exercised, I developed firmer standards on what does and what doesn’t work for me, I began establishing better boundaries and I started feeling better. I changed it all and this – sugar – is one of the last fronts I have to conquer to have the best fighting chance at a healthy life.

 I have to live with one eye in the here and now and one on the future.
How I live today will dictate the future that is even possible for me down the road.

So, at the end of the day, I choose health.

Even if it pisses me off, even if it makes me feel insecure, even if it sucks for a little while, my health comes first. I choose my health over my emotions, my fears, and this temporarily frustrated place I’m in right now.

I choose me.

I don’t hate me.

Maybe I don’t hate EVERYTHING.

Comments

comments

10 Comments

  1. Posted January 22, 2014 at 4:32 pm | #

    Girl… you are more than good enough. You are one of my guiding forces. If it weren’t for you, I would still be in a heap of denial over my health and the fact my gut was screaming for help. So much of this resonated with me, accept after years of being a vegetarian and eating poorly (thinking I was eating healthy) meat does fuel me and I enjoy the taste. I couldn’t agree with you more about health food restaurants! I mean WTF!?! If restaurants weren’t one of the hardest businesses to run, I would have started a SCD/grain-free food and bakery cart this summer. And the food would be delicious! Thank you for writing this Jen and having such courage in being vulnerable. You’re a force to be reckoned with! And I thank you!!!!! <3

    • Posted January 27, 2014 at 4:18 pm | #

      I love you to pieces, Lucinda! Thank you! xoxo

  2. Posted January 22, 2014 at 4:55 pm | #

    Jen!
    Last summer I did a whole30 meat-free. Most of what I ate was very low carb and I’d be happy to pass on some recipes if you want! My website has a few, but I have a shit ton more.

    I feel ya girl. Just remember , you’re an inspiration. I had a million years of gut problems that I mostly have a handle on now. It can be done and you are doing it!

  3. Posted January 22, 2014 at 5:16 pm | #

    Ha, ha, ha, ha…. YOU crack me up! What a great post! And the pic is priceless. I hear ya sister. Having been a sugar addict ever since realizing how to make butter cream frosting (butter, powdered sugar and vanilla) at about age 5 or 6, and that I could just eat it! like a bowl of cereal! First drug of choice. Now that ALL other drugs, alcohol, caffeine, dairy, etc. have been removed, AND I’ve made my peace with Stevia,I still struggle with sugar. Because it’s everywhere.

    So go easy, sugar really is the hardest one. Except maybe cigarettes for some people.

    One thing you might look into if you haven’t already, is the Ayurvedic perspective. When I was in India we stayed at a placed where every meal was an Ayurvedic buffet, with foods categorized by dosha. I enjoyed great, flavorful meals for 10 days, as much as I wanted, with no added sugar, and lost 5 pounds. (5’6″, 125). Never felt craving or cheated. This was not “Indian food” as we know it here. Kerala, in the south of India is the home of Ayurveda and the food is very different and not at all drab. It is true healing through food choices.

    Just a thought. Of course the complex flavorings take a little more preparation that modern Americans are used to, but the theory and philosophy can be adapted and adopted. Like you need more information to digest!

    Hang in there!

    • Posted January 27, 2014 at 4:18 pm | #

      Thanks, I’m doing better now. I love Ayurvedic knowledge! I totally know of the doshas, although I can’t right now remember which one is me. I’ll have to look into it again. Thanks, Kerry!

  4. Posted January 22, 2014 at 9:52 pm | #

    I think the hardest part about getting healthy is the psychological backlash that always seems to come when you’re restricting your body from things. Even simply eating less can create a backlash and your body seems to fight you, too. Of course, some of it is also cultural, such as with restaurant trends that you mentioned.

    Maybe we should go into business together and start a new restaurant that serves flavorful recipes from cookbooks with healthy food. We could showcase the cookbooks in the restaurant and have food events related to healthier eating. It would be more like a profitable community venture than a standard business. Sound good?

    • Posted January 27, 2014 at 4:16 pm | #

      If running a restaurant wasn’t crazy hard I would say yes in a heartbeat! Love you and your wonderful support Dedrick! xoxo